november, daily routine
wake up and don't check your messages
because there might be something
you don't want to see first thing in the morning.
get up and go through the motions and
don't think until you've got some
food in you, just don't think, don't think, don't think.
think
about how regret means
if you could go back in time then
you would do things differently. think about how
when he says sorry it doesn't mean
he regrets it. don't think, don't think, don't think. turn on
the tv so you can bury yourself
in someone else's made-up problems. watch
two idiots fall in love and think about how
holding hands should be romantic and how
it shouldn't make you feel sick
and think about how disappointing
it is that you feel sick. don't think! switch
to a book, a sad book,
and cry when your favourite character
cries. think about how having empathy means
you feel twice the pain. think about how
having no empathy means
you cause twice the pain.
think about which one is better. really think about it.
don't think, don't think, don't think. eventually
get into the shower where thinking
is unavoidable
and think about why you're pretending
to care about what he wants the same way
he's pretending to care about what you want. think
about how actually it's not the same. think
about how stupid you have to be
to not know what no means.
go to bed and forget (but not forgive)
so you can sleep, but wind up forgetting
how to sleep. count your blessings,
count your sheep,
count the number of times he's made you happy
on one hand. count your lucky stars
that you can count on the sun to rise tomorrow
even when you don't want it to.
think about tomorrow. think about him, but
not in a good way. don't think,
don't think, don't think.